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LES MISERABLES: Chapter 4

22. září 2010 v 20:38 | Amantia Aceracea M.L. |  LES MISERABLES
End of the year 2008... some things had changed, will Yuki and Teru work it out?


START AGAIN

"I want to tell you something from my heart, if only I can always look upon your smile.
I love you from my heart."
-Luna Sea - I For You-

Some things had changed after the tour. Though the band continued their work, Yuki and Teru were growing more distant every day. At first it was Yuki who disregarded every Teru's try of closeness, running away from his touches and declining every offer to go out to town together. After some time, Teru grew more silent and brooded over this sudden change in Yuki's behaviour. Never once was he given the chance to talk with Yuki in privacy, the drummer purposely hang around with Hizaki or avoided Teru in some other way. Then Teru finally got used to these changes and became once again his wild self, jumping, laughing and shouting around during the rehearsals, making fun out of everything and everyone, only taking good care that he would never get too close to Yuki. As if a high wall had been raised between the two. No matter how good relationship as band-mates they had, it seemed that there was nothing more than that. And if that was the case, it was just a question of time, when this state couldn't last anymore and some kind of solution would have to be found.

The truth of why Yuki had been running from Teru all this time was that he didn't want to get fooled by the young one's wonderful presence again. It was difficult to stay beside him and not to love him anymore. In fact, he still loved him deeply and wanted to be with him, yet it hurt to know that Teru was never serious about it. His flirting with Kamijo and vice versa ended just as suddenly as it began and Yuki could only nod - ay, that was Teru. Ever so capricious and shallow. The guitarist was never serious and never will be. There were no deeper feelings in that open heart of his, which he would gladly give to anyone who would ask for it. To love someone like Teru was a certain path to downfall and Yuki decided that he won't be hurt again by him. But seeing him almost everyday made his decision tough to carry on.
Once the little flirting affair between Kamijo and Teru ended, it was obvious that Kamijo wasn't hurt in the slightest. Perhaps he was the one to end this infatuation. The band-leader never once showed care for Teru nor Yuki, he kept on leading the band forward to their shared dream. At least that one thing hadn't changed. They were still dreaming of the same thing together.

And then the end of the year 2008 came. Versailles decided to spend the celebration of New Year together, it was Jasmine's and Hizaki's idea, and the others simply agreed as they had nothing else to do. Midnight was drawing near and the atmosphere at Kamijo's flat where they gathered was getting lighter. They were sitting in couches, drinking red wine, chatting and laughing together. Hizaki and Yuki were close together, Kamijo was with Jasmine You and Teru, standing, kept on entertaining them all with his stories and jokes. As only few more minutes were left, they stood up and went on the terrace to watch the fireworks.

"5…4…3…2…1… Happy New Year!" there came the clinking of glasses, exchanging smiles, soft kisses and hugs. Teru was sure to move to everyone of his band-mates. At last he stood in front of Yuki, looked into his eyes and suddenly was unable to move. Why was he hesitating? The little wild imp who never hesitated before was now unsure of what to do? Yuki smiled a little, nodded and Teru in obvious relief smiled back on him, hugging the drummer strongly and giving him a light kiss on the cheek.
"Happy New Year, Yuki. For this year I have only one wish," he whispered with a shaky voice, which made Yuki unstable and afraid. "I hope you could forgive me if I've hurt you somehow. I just can't stand you being angry with me."

Yuki pushed Teru away and tried to look at him, but failed greatly. He couldn't withstand such a sight and instead he looked to the side. Other members had already left the balcony and the two of them were now alone. Damn. How could this happen? He tried so hard these last months to keep his distance from Teru and never remain alone with him and now it all went wrong. He was once again taken by Teru's nature, falling deeply into the webs of his uncontrolled love for him.
"I'm not angry with you, Teru."
"Then why are you running away from me all this time? If I am a nuisance then tell me so, just don't shut me out like this. Never once you called me out and you have rejected my every try. I really miss our times together and wish they would return… if it's possible. Please, Yuki, tell me what I've done wrong and I will try my best to fix it. Just don't-,"

Yuki smiled softly, though his eyes were dimmed with tears once again. So it was true. Teru never truly meant for their relationship to grow more serious. He considered him a friend and nothing more. All the affection he showed him before was merely his way of showing how he cared for his friend. His dream was foolish and naïve. And because he couldn't cope with his loss, he almost destroyed all they had. Was it fair to decide it all by himself and hurt Teru like this? No matter how much he himself got hurt?
"It's alright, Teru. I am not angry or anything. It will be fine once again, I just had a bad time, that is all. I'm sorry for making you worry about me."
Teru smiled with that charming wide smile of his, yet Yuki noticed traces of tears on his cheeks. Had he truly made Teru cry? And for what?
"You sure made me worry, but I'm glad it will be alright again. Yuki, I couldn't bear it if you were angry at me. So what was eating you all this time? If it was something I've done-,"
"No, Teru, it had nothing to do with you," Yuki lied, first time in his life such a plain white lie left his mouth and he hated himself for it. But could he tell Teru the truth?
The slim guitarist hugged him once more and gently stroked his hair. "I know you're lying. Why can't you tell me what is on your mind? I can listen, Yuki, or I can try at least. I know I've never been too good at it, but I can change for you, if you would only love me back."

Yuki stiffened. What had just Teru said? His eyes widened in sudden surprise. He had admonished himself just a while ago that he wouldn't hurt Teru anymore and would try his best to remain his friend as before and is this what he will have to deal with? Teru's affectionate proposals and declarations of love that he doesn't truly mean? Why must he always feel so hurt when Teru is around? He pushed him away. This time he managed to look at him and frowned.
"You don't need to change for me, Teru. I like you just as you are, so please, stay this way. Only don't get so close to me again, it kind of doesn't feel right, okay?" Now, he had finally said it loud. Will the young one understand?
"Close to you? Why, does my touch anger you? Is that what brought this all up? If that is so, you could have just tell me, you know."
"No, Teru, it's not the main reason," Yuki shook his head. But it's a part of it as well.
"Then what is? I can't help you in any way if you don't tell me."
"Perhaps I don't want you to help me, Teru and I don't want you to know," Yuki's eyes flashed with a sudden irritation. Why in the name of all that was sacred, must Teru be like this? Always prying into others' affairs, always too close to everyone, always… standing by their side when needed. Yet always hurting Yuki in some way. Was it fair now to hurt him back?

Teru hung his head, then nodded. Silent sigh escaped his lips, followed by several sobs. He wiped out the tears from his eyes, then tried his best to smile back at Yuki. "I've acted foolishly, Yuki, forgive me. I had no right to question you like this," he turned away to leave, but Yuki grabbed his hand to stop him. Teru looked at him in expactation, but Yuki faltered. He acted on a whim and wasn't now sure what to do.
"Teru… I…," so many things were on his mind and he couldn't choose what to say. Nothing seemed to sound
right. He wanted to tell him he loved his so much, but that was way too dangerous, wasn't it? It might scare Teru, if he wasn't feeling the same.
Teru stroked Yuki's cheek and looked at him with such a saddened look that it almost broke Yuki's heart. Then he freed his hand from Yuki's grasp and bowed in respect. "I'ts okay, Yuki, take your time. Once your bad mood is over, you know where to find me. I'll be waiting for you. But if you need someone beside you, I am here. If you wish, I can sit in silence with you. Because I've already changed, no matter if you want it or not."

He turned back once more and left the balcony. Yuki was left startled by that sudden change. Until now he was the one who was running away from Teru's touch, yet yearning for his presence by his side. He rejected him, though in fact he loved him. When he had the chance to explain it all, he failed badly and hurt Teru instead. Now, though he promised him his friendship, Teru seemed to be running away from Yuki. Had the roles changed somewhere in the process? Damn. It just doesn't go right in any way. What then should I do?

 

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